Tuesday, January 06, 2015

Almost famous - the life of the Desi Divorced Diva

Amy Poehler  pretty much nails the post-divorce life for women like me, i.e. women who are smart, intelligent, pretty, and divorced. Yes, you heard right. I just said some nice things about myself, and you will soon realize that we say such things in abundance. It helps with our self-esteem and prevents us from being “broken.” I know. It’s unbelievable and freakin’ fantastic!

Truly ladies, I don’t want anything to do with your husbands. Firstly, and I hate to be brutally honest (but you’ve really not left me much choice here), they are just not my type.  Just because I enjoy a conversation, smile, take selfies, and have a way of hugging friends when I say hi, does not mean I’m flirting. That’s just me being me – confident and comfortable in my own skin (see I did it again). But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? You could not for the life of you have an ounce of confidence if you had to always be so insecure about the man you live your life with. I finally get it. It’s not me. It’s you, or maybe him. (See? I said I was smart AND intelligent)

I don’t blame you. I feel sorry and would like to let you know I am here to help. I am divorced, and no, it’s not infectious. Husbands - you don’t really need to worry. I will not suggest they leave you because you don’t load the dishwasher or do the laundry. In fact, I just brought the romance back in your life. You see, you are now so scared your wife might leave you, you actually try to put an effort in your relationship. I told you I would help.

As for the other genre of husbands who now think I'm vulnerable and feeling lost, and somehow in your weird, sickening imagination think I might be the right person to help you spruce up your life while your wife is away - get the hell away from me. I cannot be that helpful either.

Thanks to my new status (not so new anymore), I’ve made lots of friends and am used to random calls, emails and text from friends, who I have not been in touch with for ages, asking me if I would talk to one of their friends. I am not complaining about this at all. I have loved to help out a few women who had no one to turn to through the process who would understand them. And I’m quite aware that there aren’t too many desi divorced divas in this region. So, I just want to let you know that I’m here. I just charge $140/hour.

These days, any party I go to, I know the women are dying to ask me the million dollar question – “are you dating someone?” Most recently, they want to ask me, “who was the guy you visited in New York? Is he single? Did you sleep with him?”  Yes, divorced women can have absolutely normal platonic relationships with single men. And not every single man in my life I have to date or sleep with or marry. Rest assured, I will change my relationship status on Facebook as soon as I start dating so you can sleep better. For now, the friend I just visited I’ve known for 15 years. So there is nothing of that sort there, you can now move on to the next guy you see me with on Facebook.

Being divorced is not easy on many levels. But being a young (yes, I’m sticking to it) Indian divorced woman takes matters to a whole new level of crazy eye-rolls and exasperated sighs. But most of all it made the prediction of that astrologer come true from many years ago, at least part of it. I became famous - the talk of the town. How many of you can add that to your resume? Now all I can hope for is that the second prediction will come true and somehow this is all going to lead to that enormous fortune. Till then, I'll remain single and almost famous and enjoy every bit of it.

-- Your's truly DDD (no you pervs - that's not my size!)